So, I know that I posted a while back about some of the crazy, drama-filled, emotional issues that have plagued our family over the past few years. Somehow, it continues to follow me and rear its ugly head just when things couldn't be any worse. Here's a message that I recently sent to some of my friends and family on Facebook that have been privy to the drama and circumstances surrounding them over the past 10+ years ...
*I know everyone has been sending messages, texts, comments, emails, and voicemails all day, and I am sorry that I am just now getting back to you all. I also apologize for the "mass group" message, but right now this was the easiest way for to let everyone know what has been going on and still keep my sanity!!
As most of you know, Scott and I have custody of his two daughters from his first marriage. While they have always been a blessing in my life, they have not always been easy to deal with. I was fairly young when I met them {21} and they were just itty bitty - 4 and 6 - younger than Emma and Patrick are now! I was 25 when we got married, and from the day we came back from our honeymoon, life has been one, HUGE roller coaster ride - mentally, emotionally, and physically {because of the emotional stuff and my diabetes.} It started with the oldest, Jess, who was right on the verge of becoming a "double-digit-er" {10}. Then the teen years, and hormones, and all of that other stuff involved with raising a girl, as well as all of the stuff that comes with raising a girl whose mother walked out on her and her sister when they were 3 and 1. You get the picture.
Fast-forward 10 years ... Jess is now a beautiful, talented, successful young woman who is in cosmetology school and doing exceptionally well! After struggling with school, and learning disabilities, she finally graduated from High School in June {Thank God for small miracles, and my parents!!!} She is a HUGE help around here, especially now that I am working and Scott's new job is taking him away for a few months at a time. I cannot tell you how proud I am of her, and how much I truly treasure the relationship that we have today.
On to recent events ... about the same time that Jess finally "grew" out of her psychologically challenging phase, Katie entered her own. It's been almost four years now, and it still hasn't gotten any better. She started pulling her hair out when she was about 14/15 - something I had never heard of until this happened. After some Googling, I found that it is actually quite common in teenage girls as a way to relieve stress and anxiety - similar to the way that some teens and young adults "cut" themselves. We immediately got her into treatment, with both a therapist and a psychiatrist, with the hopes that it would help resolve the emotional stress she was feeling because of facing the issues with her biological mother. It didn't. It hasn't. Almost four years, two therapists, two psychiatrists, and two hospital admissions later, things are still bad. Worse. She changed from a child who wanted nothing more than to please everyone by helping out around the house, always doing well in school and doing her work, loving the time that spent with her younger sister and brother, into a young teenage girl who is utterly miserable and unhappy. So much so that it's painful to even look at her sometimes. I hardly even recognize the sweet, little, blonde-haired girl that she once was. She doesn't want to talk to anyone. Doesn't listen to authority at all. She's completely disrespectful - she seriously has no respect for other people's feelings, property, etc. She doesn't take her medication - even when I setup her pill box every week and constantly remind her to do so. She takes too much of one med, not enough of the other, steals ADHD meds from her sister, and anti-anxiety meds from me. She has shoplifted, stolen from friends, stolen from her sister, and from us. She has basically given up on school, although she is at least showing up this year. She's been in the hospital twice since Feb/March of this year, for acute care. We have tried to get referrals to a long-term treatment facility, where she can learn how to cope with her illness and the stresses that life imposes, but were told by her psychiatrist that our insurance wouldn't cover inpatient treatment/Residential Treatment, even though she desperately needs it. About two weeks ago - right before Scott left - I called TriCare {the military's family insurance, for those of you who do not know} was told that nothing has ever been submitted to them, so there is no way that they could have denied a claim when one was never submitted. Nice, huh?? After months of turmoil and agony, nothing was ever submitted?? Lovely.
Making a long story even longer, I called the hospital yesterday that we were originally referred to by her therapist, and found that they also do acute care for adolescents, and once she is ready to be discharged, they will send her to either inpatient treatment, or refer her to a long-term, residential facility. Finally. There is peace in the world, if only for a moment in our household.
She, of course, didn't want to go because she thinks she'll be there forever. But I am positive that once she settles in, and realizes that it's something that she had to do, I know she will be okay, and finally open up and talk about everything that she has bottled up inside of her head for so very long. Of course, this was not an easy decision to make. But it was a necessary one, and one that our entire family needed. Her behavior was really starting to effect Emma and Patrick - emotionally and in school - and I could not just sit and wait for someone to do something that obviously wasn't being done. Not to mention that she wasn't in the right frame of mind and could have hurt herself or someone else ... mainly herself, and as bad and horrible as that would be, I was more concerned that IF she did, Emma or Patrick would be the ones to find her like that - and that scared the hell out of me! I cannot even think about the emotional damage and destruction that type of event would cause someone, especially two innocent little ones, who truly love their sister unconditionally. It would be catastrophic. I have have had one near life and death experience this year with a child - something that still haunts me. To come so close to losing a child is utterly unbearable - I cannot begin to imagine the pain that a parent feels when they do actually have to say good-bye.
So, she's there, for now, and things here are once again quiet, normal, and will hopefully be more settled in a couple of days. Now we just have to wait and see how long she stays there, what the therapist/child psychiatrist/mental health team there thinks is going to be best for her and her future, and what happens next. I'm not quite sure the roller coaster will ever end, but I am certainly hopeful that maybe just a few of the loppty-loops can be removed, and a new one can be built.
As for me, I'm okay. I am definitely stronger this time around - and certainly much older!! I have never been one to handle stress well ... just ask my mother and anyone who was ever around me while I was getting ready for a school dance, or a piano recital, or my wedding!!! I'm not so sure it's stress that I don't deal well with, but more the anxiety aspect. Not to mention the havoc it does to me, my body, and this lovely little diabetes thing that I have to deal with every. single. day. I won't even get into that - it's much too long, and way too detailed! And you thought your life was crazy-chaotic-kooky-busy?? Ha!
Thank you all SO very much for all of the thoughts, prayers, kind words, messages, texts, etc. that you have sent today - and over the last ten years of my very interesting-never a dull moment life. It truly means the world to me to have such amazing friends and family that I know will always be there to support me, cheer me on, laugh with me, cry with me, and hold me up when I stumble {or down right fall flat on my ass!} To my lifelong friends, to those of you I have known ALMOST that long, to the ones that I have made because I married a wonderful husband who was proud to serve his country in the US Air Force, and to those of you whom I've met somewhere along this long, winding path called life - I cannot, truly, thank you enough for always standing by my side. Despite our differences in religion, politics, "mommy" styles, friends, and of course, size {'cause I was NEVER the skinny chic!!!} you have made my life wonderful. You have made my life one that I am proud to call mine. And you have loved me through it all - the good, the bad, the ugly, the PMS, the Wedding Bridezilla that I became when the limos went over on their time and needed more money {you know who you are!! LMBO!!} I thank God every single day for the people who have touched my life in such amazing ways ... some have been small, others large ... but you have all made an impression on my heart, and I just wanted to let you know that I am truly thankful. Even a FB message as long as this one is cannot begin to say how grateful I am!!
So, in conclusion, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, because I am sure the road ahead isn't going to be short - or smooth. But I know that with the love and support of such amazing women, I can handle just about anything!!!!
♥ you all!*
You know, I really don't ask for much. I know that when things get tough, my vice is to spend money - i.e. go shopping - but even that doesn't help the daily turmoil that is my life at the moment. And I know many you will say that I need to pray ... trust me, I cannot believe that I do not have scraps and bruises on my knees from the amount of praying that I have done, and continue to do. Prayer has gotten me through many things in the past few years, and I am firm believer of turning it over to God. And I am not one to really question God, or my faith, because he has been VERY good to me in the past ... there are a few specific places in my life's story that I have needed Him, and prayed that He would take of things, in His way ... and he did. I cannot even begin to explain how thankful I am for the blessings that he has given me. And I know that this, too, shall pass. He will take care of things, of us, of our family ... but sometimes I just need to know how things will turn out. Just a glimmer, or a glimpse, a little bit of insight to know that things will be okay. I know He will take do things in His way, the best way, no matter how I may feel. So, I'm leaving it in his hands ... to give me the strength to follow His guidance, to journey on the path that He lays out for me to take. It's all I can do ... I'm too weak, too tired, too broken, not to follow his lead.
